making the pieces fit

2009-12-20T14:55:00.000-08:00

Today i go to carols by candle light and i think back to last year when i was 8 months pregnant.
this makes me a little sad as time is going so quickly.Today i was teaching my little girl how to walk, where did the time go?
In a way i yearn for another baby,but i think its mostly missing that time i had with her when we were together we were one unit and in a way she was all mine.
oh well time to look forward to the new year and everything.
This will be our first christmas with her and i am so excited.Christmas takes on a whole new meaning when you have a child the magic goes back into it.

the day my poppy died

on 2009.11.25 at 23:44

when i was little i'd have memories of chatting with my grandfather and grandma doing silly things like picking water mellons and growing strawberries and him telling stories over and over again.I remember playing 500 with him spending my weekends and holidays there. i dont ever remember him yelling at me or getting cross with me( although i am sure it happened) i always took it for granted he was my grandfather and he would always be there.

when he got sick i visited him but not as much as i should have.
i thought he was going to get better why, because he was always there? wasnt he?
when they told me he was dying i fobbed it off not my grandfather he would outlive us all.

the day he died i stopped off and picked my wedding dress before we got there ,my mum was with me.
when we pulled up we got out of the car and got too the front door my grandmother was crying and a nurse was standing in the hospital door way saying such things as" its not going to be long...""its quite unnerving to watch we understand if you cant sit there"and i thought wtf?whats going on.last time i seen him he was not himself but you could still talk to him, he still smiled at his grand daughter and gave her cuddles he was away and he was still there.

its very hard to dis scribe that day because you have to be there to experience it i guess.
my pop had what is commonly known as the death rattle a horrible noise that rises from the chest of a dying person when they lose their swallowing reflex, usually it is indicative of a soon death.The body does not rid itself of fluid and a build up of mucus occurs in the chest and throat.

my pop was completely unconcious flat on his back he'd lost so much weight i barely recognized him.I remember thinking this isn't my pop what is going on? but it was it took me a few moments to digest the situation. My mum couldn't go anywhere near him she wasn't coping at all. my uncle chris barely stayed in the room at all he couldn't handle it.
i couldn't believe that morning i had been trying on freaking wedding dresses what the hell was wrong with me?
i had to actually remind myself this is my pop and he is the same person and for the next 3 or four hours and sat and held his hand.
I believe he was squeezing my hand that he knew we were there but i will never really know.
We had to tell him that it was ok for him to go that we wanted him to be at peace.
I remember when we were leaving he had this look on his face that was horrible so sad and i remember thinking unconcious my arse he heard us.I remember when we left a nurse asked me if he had died because of how upset we all were.
this was reality my pop , he was going to die and there would be no more 500 no more rants and no more stories i was never going to have that again.
most of all my pop was suffering and it certainly put a new perspective on dying of old age.
he didnt deserve that even if he had given up and wanted to go.
my daughter will never know him like i did shes never going to experience the memories i did and it wasnt fair.
what right did i have to be so selfish? to not take the time that i had?
that night my pop passed away with a clap of thunder and lightning.
the nursing staff believe he was waiting for us to come , because it was quick and very downhill after we left.
i hold a lot of guilt about how i treated him when he was sick and me being there on the last day was not enough to make up for what i did. I wish i could say sorry.

so far~

2009-05-27T04:41:00.000-07:00

17 weeks
16 weeks
4 months
13 weeks 16 april with ethan
13 weeks!14th april

ten weeks 5 days
8weeks 5 days

5 weeks 4 days 15th

14 january with ethan 2 weeks old

one day old sleeping lismore hospital

2009-05-27T04:34:00.000-07:00

ok so i haven't been here for ages.
i know well i've been busy.

birth story is:

on tuesday the 6th of january i went to my hospital for a prenatal check due too my high blood pressure i was 38 weeks.they found my blood pressure was high and my protein was high in my urine.They called the specialist in lismore(dr hare) she rang me back at home and told me to come in for an induction at lismore at 7:30 am.The next day i went to lismore and booked in.They had lost my paperwork and it was not until 10:30 they found it. at this time we had a midwife called karen.When they had figured out that i was too be induced today dr and that my notes said i did not need the gel as i was already a few cms dialated and that they would get straight into breaking my waters. dr christina and another trainee doctor came in too see me.karen told me they expect to have an afternoon baby and that idea was very appealing to me. They asked if it was ok that the trainee was there i said sure (why not everyone had seen me anyway)the trainee doctor did an internal exam first and then christina did one all while having a conversation about my nether parts as if i wasn't there, the midwife stood at my side and cracked a joke about it.Christina broke my waters with the hook and there was a discussion as too weather she had actually got the bag,christina disappeared. karen did not think so they put a sheet over me and let me lay there for a while, it was the most disguisting thing i felt like i was constantly peeing myself.karen came in and asked me how i felt and i told her i felt wet, and she had a look and noted that christina definently broke the bag there was fluid everywhere. i went off too the toilet to put a pad on( which lasted about ten minutes) everytime i stood up i made a puddle on the flood. they hooked me up too the monitor for a long time before they let me move around again they proceeded to monitor me regularly.Dr patty the trainee came in to do some blood and too put my drip in.we cracked jokes about my bad veins in the end i had 4 needles before it was all done the iv freaked me out too see blood running all the way down my arm.with the Syntocinon started i began to get niggly tightenings every now and then. the induction was started at 11:05.We sat down and played 500 and yatzee for quite a while nicolle and nick timed my contractions. at about 2 the contractions stopped completely by this time we had another midwife.i told the midwife that my contractions had stopped and she upped the dosage.my mum arrived at 2:30 at this time my contractions were picking up fast and were getting painfull.i kept wanting to move around and they were finding it hard to monitor my baby so they put a monitor on the babys head therefore i could move around freely.at around six my contractions were very painfull and i had a new midwife debbie.She offered me the gas and i accepted.the babies heart beat was slightly irregular and they got a doctor to come and have a look but he said that the baby was picking up after every contraction so there was no need for a c-section.Debbie had me sitting on a birthign stool to try and speed things up, in my opinion this did nothing but make me extremely incomfortable (note i was also not able to have a shower or bath because i was induced)by nine oclock i was in horrible pain and sucking on the gas for dear life and it was helping conciderably. nick was rubbing my back constantly and i couldn't work out if i wanted to move around or lay on the bed.it kept on this way until ten 30 slowly getting more painfull.it was around this time i asked for pain relief because i couldn't handle it and they offered me pethadine, i can't even remember getting the needle.it took them ages to give it too me because they had to find a doctor to sign off on it.The pethadine did not help my pain at all, all it did was make me fall asleep inbetween contractions and i was so tired and had never been in so much pain. i kept waking up talking half asleep having a contraction and going to sleep again.i moved myself onto the bed without thinking about it really, and i remember her telling me to push with the contractions . at first i didnt want too because it hurt too much and then it became the only way to stop the pain was to get her out so i pushed it became so painfull i didn't have seperate contractions it was just 20 minutes of continuous pain she kept asking me if i was having a contraction and i told her it was all one big contraction.at some point she asked me too stop pushing but i didn't hear her nick kept telling me she was getting closer to coming out and i was nearly there i thought i was going to die.when her head was coming out i thought i was splitting in too i remember screaming i didn't want too do this and it wasn't natural. when her head finally came out there was a second of relief until the shoulders got stuck i remember hearing dr patty say " but the shoulders are stuck (it became apparent to me just how much of a trainee he was) and she told him to just pull the baby out. when her shoulders were out all the pain stopped and i couldn't believe it.it was such a relief.. they asked us if we wanted to cut the cord and we said no its ok i remember asking nick if it was a girl and he said it was.they told me she was beautifull and i made a crack" what would you say if she wasn't" and debbie said" when the babies are ugly you don't say anything"they put her on my chest and i just sat there and looked at her while until the god damn big needle to bring the contractions on was jamed into me and god that hurt i wasn't expecting that one and i told her it was probably a good thing she didn't tell me she was giving me that.they massaged my belly and got the placenter out asked us if we wanted too look and it and we said no.she was born at 11:56pm. they told me i needed stitches and i asked them if it was better not too stich and they told me it was a good idea.all during this time they tried to get her to latch on and couldn't.they had to go get a doctor to come in because the stitches were bad and he couldn't do it.they gave me 4 local anasthetics and there was blood everywhere(apparently) mum told me not too look at the floor it took them 45 minutes to stitch me up.in the end i went and had a shower and afterwards i felt so much better when i came out they were measuring her and they had her dressed in a little pink gown.debbie kept saying how beautifull she was and my mum also i think this was mostly due too the fact that she did not have most of the characteristics of a newborn she was not red or wrinkled or puffy she was just perfect.i remember seeing nick holding her hand when i came out of the shower and they told me she was 7 p 6oz and all the other measurements we had too wait a little while till a room was free and then we pushed her in the baby jail looking thing lol down the hall to my room , room six by this time it was 3:20 in the morning nick and mum headed home a breastfeeding lady came and helped me latch i fell asleep with her( i assume this is why she put the bar up on the bed) it felt like hours but really i had only 5 minutes sleep.so there is my birth story.

29/30/31

2008-11-22T00:34:00.000-08:00

if i could give you a reasoning or some understanding of how i feel for you
the heavens would open up and miracles would be forecast
if i could find the words to tell you
of how i await the day
when i can breath you in and hold you close and tell you all the things we have to say
and your dad and i will hold you and keep you from harm,
whisper to you when your upset, wipe away your tears
we will smother you in kisses, sooth all your fears
we will watch you grow , struggle,succeed and guide you through
the best that we know how,
and as i feel you kick, even now
i smile a smile and await the day
that i can tell you i love you
and all the things i have to say....

27/28

2008-11-06T13:20:00.000-08:00

well i passed my glucose had another docs appointment.. now i have to go every 2 weeks
um went to mum and dads for the weekend (seafood coming out my ears) um thebaby is moving pretty much all the time sticking little arms and legs out everywhere:)
only 7 weeks until i am concidered full term and this baby could arrive anytime after that(or even before if its really keen) i've got the baby bag packed and started packing my hospital bag.
wow.

its not long now.

scary.

25/26 weeks

2008-10-19T20:45:00.000-07:00

nothing really has happened
had my glucose today, tasted like sweet lemonade nicole came with me so that was cool...
i'm getting a lot of stomach pains and the baby is moving more.
Oh we went and booked into the hospital got to see the rooms and everything they were really nice
it was funny when we were filling out the questions she asked nick" do you support this pregnancy?"he said yes of course but i had to ask her if anyone ever said no to that question.she said the people who don't support it ,their partners don't come.i thought that was a bit sad but i guess it happens.
we start anti-natal classes on the 11th so that should be cool getting to meet some other mums and dads to be :)

24 weeks

2008-10-07T14:42:00.001-07:00

24 weeks.......
had another ultrasound, best one yet got some good photos
baby sucking its thumb and he /she co-operated for the lady.
we had to go to lismore for it because casinos machine broke down( yes two lots of water)
i feel the baby moving a lot and i'm loving how you can feel it from the outside.
We went and saw the doctor that will be delivering the baby at casino and he was so nice, we have decided to swap over to him permanently, even nick liked him and thats saying something.
he didn't get up me about my weight and he kept saying all positive things involved nick and it was really nice~my blood pressure didn't go up when i went too see him that says something.
he went through all our ultrasound pics with us( like our other doctor should have dumb bitch)
anyway things are looking up good.

week 23

2008-09-29T15:51:00.001-07:00

had a doctors appointment this week she told me i need to get another ultrasound because they couldn't see what they wanted to see (this will be the 4th one yay)
thats on thursday..um no gl this time and no real weight gain.
mum came and stayed for a night and that was fun, we went to nimbin..yay.. and nicks mum brought up all the baby stuff.
this week we got~

a bath and stand
pram
bassinet
porta cot

nick can put the pram up and down and i can't....( thats so sad it just frustrates me)
got a date to book into the hospital and see the midwife
we felt the baby move from the outside this week so that was really cool.
on thurs i will be officially 6 months...

time flies eh.

week 22

2008-09-18T00:32:00.000-07:00

not much going on,baby is getting stronger and sometimes makes me jump with the kicks.
i've never felt anything like it.
nick had a bad day today someone was talking shit about me to all his work mates and one of them finally had the balls to tell him, it took all his restraint not to knock the guy out and lose his job.
I don't know what the guy said because nick wouldn't tell me, but the fact that he said it too others and not even to nick makes me more angry, this guy has never met me i don't care how much someone gives you the shits in the workplace you don't attack them by talking shit about their family to other people.
I can see its really upset him which makes me feel, eh ........theres nothing i can do short of stabbing this dude in the eye.
( i know where he lives muhaha)
we got a musical thingy for the cot today and a little musical bunny that goes with it its so cute.. fits in with all the other teddy bear stuff we have i love it:) going to get some blankets and stuff tomorrow i'm excited...
nicks mum is doing up a bassinet with teddy bears on it, so cute i can't believe she is going to all the trouble.its really nice of her:)
so i'm sitting here and waiting for chinese....hmm food been eating like a horse lately its quite scary.
mum came back from her holiday she didn't really enjoy it and i think we will all look at pop a bit differently cranky old bastard. I hope i am not like that when i get old and i think he needs to realise what an arse he is sometimes.

fathers day start of week 21

2008-09-09T17:29:00.001-07:00

well fathers day has come and gone.another year, this one has gone so quickly not long until Christmas and not long until we have the baby.
there are so many issues happening at the moment ah so many things to think about
things that happened this week

*fathers day~ went to nicks dads on the sunday, he offered us 400 for the baby and we said no, i don't know if they were offended or what but i feel like us having a baby is not their responsibility and they have their own family too feed, we can do it on our own.(we said they can buy one thing but not go all out)

*have to re order nicks birth certificate in order for us to put in our request too marry which means its going to be ages until we do more money to pay for.

*i am begining to think that eloping is a great idea~my dads angry at nicks dad for not wanting to come and i know there will be something said so i am trying to keep them apart.

*i fucked nicks computer and then when i'd given up hope i fixed it...no reformat yay

*i can't find our landlords number to talk to them about being pregnant and how they feel about kids in the place

blah blah blah

pregnancy~i am fat and a blimp and it hurts to lay on the floor or get up from certain positions
the baby kicks a lot and thats cool.......um.......had lots of energy today and got a lot done.not much to report really:) all is good.

half way

2008-09-03T17:34:00.000-07:00

20 weeks today.......
had to say it haha i'm excited!

tough times

2008-09-03T07:17:00.001-07:00

i guess there comes a point for everyone when things start to change.You look at things in a different light really.
i want my family to have the best things i want them to be happy and it hurts me that i can not make that happen at times.
nick is incredibly unhappy in his job,they treat him like dirt but he gets up every day and goes there anyway to give our family the best things he can.
I feel incredibly guilty and hurt that i can not achieve all the things he would like me too no matter how i try.If i had a full time job(not that anyone will hire a pregnant lady)he could quit his job and find something he wants to do.
If i had my licence(i am incredibly crap at this and have tried over and over again...i know total failure) it would be easier and we wouldn't have to rely on other people.
i can't help but feel i am a disappointment at times and all i do is drag us down.
what will our child think of me?will he or she look up to me and see what i see?
it breaks my heart to see nick so unhappy and its my fault
if i hadn't have pushed moving here and the job he might be doing something that he wants he deserves to be happy.

i feel like i ruined his life.

week 19

2008-09-02T20:46:00.004-07:00

30 August 2008 @ 08:05 pm

stuff:)

19 weeks:)

ok so we have hit nearly half way, i never really let myself get excited up until now but i'm starting to bond with the baby, i feel him or her moving around and kicking a lot stronger than before.
when we had the ultrasound, which may i add went for over an hour lol the bub wouldn't co-operate kept moving out of the way and rolling the wrong way for her. i had to keep moving sides and leaning this way and that so we could try to get the bub to move where she wanted it.Earlier that day i had my antinatal appointment and she couldn't get an audio on the heart beat because the baby kept moving but she assured me the baby was ok.
She is worried i am putting on too much weight and this and that told me to lay off the sugars and be healthier, i mean geeze i didn't think i was that unhealthy lol.
We ended up asking the sonographer for the sex of the baby i didn't ask at the begining because i wanted to make sure the baby was ok and healthy first, she seemed annoyed but all she said was" its not giving me any indication that its a boy but this baby is unco-operative so don't go buy pink all the way yet because i could be wrong"
i had always thought the baby was a boy so it took me a bit by surprise just the chance bubs is a girl.
i must admit i am a little scared though, i want to be the best parent i can be and i don't want to do anything wrong, i want this baby to have all the best chances in life.It really is amazing how much you can love someone you have never met yet.

uncomfy

2008-09-02T20:46:00.003-07:00

16 August 2008 @ 12:21 pm

ok i am going to make a note to myself to remember for any future pregnancies~week 17 is when i started to feel uncomfortable.I m finding it hard to sleep well and some aches and pains are catching up with me. I guess its my own fault for commenting on how easy it has been so far.Also my clothes really don't fit anymore i spent ages this morning cursing and throwing clothes everywhere nick just watched and made some smart arse comments.
Things are pretty quiet around here we have not been baby sitting anyones kids lately and other than watching the nieces and nephews go and play soccor( it was a tie 4-4) we haven't really been out and about.Debbie had her baby yesterday a little boy 9pound they named him Angus ,she was in labour an hour and a half :O Richard(the dad) couldn't stop grinning thats a big thing for him apparently he never smiles haha.

wedding

2008-09-02T20:46:00.001-07:00

14 August 2008 @ 10:20 am

wedding

i'm starting to think a bit more about the wedding, i mean what do i really want?i keep changing my mind. we don't have much money and nicks taking the " it doesn't matter as long as we are married" stance.which is all well and good but it doesn't help me any.
hmmm...

i'll think some more on it

cot/crib

2008-09-02T20:45:00.000-07:00

13 August 2008 @ 09:07 am

new cot:D

ok so we got a new cot yesterday,nice wooden one (i love when you find brand new stuff at a bargain)just wondering if its too early or what not ?what month do you start buying all your stuff?
i don't want to leave things until the last minute , i don't want to be using the baby bonus to buy everything when we have the baby, i mean whats the point if you already had the child and you don't have anything?go drag myself around a million stores with a newborn and feeling like crap :/
but thats just me:)

from the begining

2008-09-02T20:44:00.000-07:00

been a while 16 weeks

ok ok whats been happening hehe
we had a scan on the 30th
um everything is good going down to see my parents soon been here there and everywhere.
Another lady wants me to go and work for her, i'm not sure weather i want to do it really and nick isn't sure either.Depends on the kids i guess and how much we want the money.
Eh i'm getting bigger its weirding me out really, and i can feel the baby moving around lots:)

ah the family is good not much happening,mum broke her ribs dad broke his finger haha no they weren't flogging each other it is all ok.
nicks working hard still hates it as always. anyway going to post some ultrasound pics soon....:)

9-12 weeks birthday etc

ok so it hasn't been that interesting, on the 9th was my birthday yay hoorah actually i had a really good day went out for lunch and stuff:) um i went to the hospital for some stuff i wont go into but i was a bit sick,we had cara come and stay for a week she didn't want to go home(gee i wonder why,
no brainer there)she told me some stuff that pissed me off but i wasn't surprised. we also had another house inspection ( we only got 3 days notice this time) but that ended up being alright didn't say anything interesting it all seemed to be ok.We took jj nd cara out for dinner so that was nice um i have my next ultrasound on the 30th by then i will be between 14-16 weeks roughly but i am excited hehe, went to the doctors yesterday and omg! she didn't say anything bad! she can feel my belly growing and pushing out and said everything looks good.

it's finally sunk in

I AM HAVING A BABY

7-8 weeks

ok it seems like everytime i go to the doctors she tells me there is something wrong.
this all stemmed from the fact that she can't comprehend that i ovulated a lot later than she thought and that as i told her my periods are way out.
so if my last one was on the 23rd march to her that made me 10 weeks at my first appointment.

goes like this

-march243rd last period
-23rd april spotting ( which now comes down to implantation bleeding)
-8th may negative pregnancy tests
-16th may one very faint crystal clear test
-20th may 2 very clear confirm pregnancy tests
-22nd may doctors appointment
-22nd blood test number 1
-23rd doctor calls and tells me that the levels are very low and she is " concerned" for the dates
-23rd second blood test
-23rd first "urgent" ultrasound UT and UV
first ultrasound showed nothing on the screen , she said it was very unusual
asked if i wanted to do a internal so i said yeah ok,i seriously wont go into the details with that one... anyway she found a small sack no yolk or fetal pole and told me that either the pregnancy did not progress or i am very early, she was leaning towards the did not progress and asked me if i needed tissues, feeling slightly humiliated and extremely upset

-27th nurse rings and tells me everything looks fine that i am only 4 weeks
-19th june doctors appointment
get my yellow card she tells me that they are still uncertain if the pregnancy is viable and i could have a "blighted ovum" need more blood tests to confirm everything that i could have miscarried and my body reabsorbed the baby,that they would expect the levels to be very low.
told me that the previous blood test had jumped from 3,000 to 9,000 and that was good.
-19th 3rd blood test they couldn't draw any blood with the first needle and also a syringe(not sure if thats just in compidence or what)
-20th ring the office for results get told to ring back in 2 mins cause the nurse is not there =/ i mean 2 mins come on
-20th ring back at 20 past 9 and i am told that the levels were 135000 and consistant and viable that i am 7-8 weeks
everything looks good come back at 11-12 weeks to book an ultrasound.

fuck these people piss me off.

6 weeks 34 weeks to go

ok whoever named morning sickness was a jackass it is -whenever it wants too sickness.
i guess it's not as bad as it could be a lot of people get a lot sicker but i don't want to speak too soon.
ok so looks like the wedding may be being brought forward mum and dad are insisting on putting money towards it and i feel horrible they wont accept anything i say about the issue

5 w 3 d
sickness is creeping up a little bit and i got some dizzy spells today very short but still eh.
i am so full it isn't funny and i wont elaborate on how much i ate because it is disgusting.
nick was sweet today and left the door open so i could call out to him if i needed anything,he keeps checking on me as if to make sure i am not dead or anything and it's so sweet:) i love him so much.
i say a little prayer everynight hoping that my baby is ok, i know no one realises i am religious but, its got nothing to do with anyone else and i feel better after i say it.
It is still hard to believe it is really happening i am waiting for it too sink in.

5 weeks

ok so the baby is 5 weeks old tomorrow and i tell you what lol i am so tired, no actually tired is an understatement.
i am getting cramps still and i got a tad dizzy in the shower and worried about it all afternoon( why is it pregnant people worry so much?) anyway seems to be fine.
3 more weeks and i get to see the lil guys heart beating and i am so excited.
with every week that goes by i can relax a bit more and not think something is going to happen.
i'm starting to feel a bit pregnant the symptoms are starting to hit lol
but it's so worth it:D

36 w to go apparently (edit-apparently i was six weeks not 4)

well ok so the nurse rang this morning saying everything is fine, nick looked remarkably relieved.The macadamia processes rang me today and offered me a jop after a short discussion we decided it would be best not to work there with the pregnancy due to the heavy lifting and what not and he really wouldn't feel comfortable having me there and something happening to the baby.
I can go back next year and get in contact with him and he will give me a job thats something.
Ah i am so relieved,i'm learning this baby thing is stressful and kel is right doctors will give you cause for concern when there isn't any, i suppose it's better to be cautious then not at all right?Ah i am getting so excited i never really thought i would be having a baby, all these things are happening in my life that are blowing me away lol
Ah we have decided not to take the kids back if they go into foster care, i really and truly could not take that again, the amount of mental abuse and verbal abuse they put me through(parents) was absolutely amazing, i remember sitting on the bathroom crying for hours it effected me so much i didn't get my period for 6 months imagine what it would do to the baby.I would also be very concerned about Jayden with the baby he is extremely violent and doesn't look like he is getting any better what so ever.We have had cara here the last couple of days because her mum is trying to find another house, low and behold they have realised that 2 adults 3 kids is not appropriate for a bed sitter i mean for fucks sakes the kids sleep on the kitchen and bathroom floors on matresses what happened to these people to make them like this i dunno. It is sad that they will have their kids removed from them (again ffs)wouldn't you learn the first time?
it's easy when your selfish but it is also easy for me to judge i am not a parent yet who says i will do any better?
anyway so i sit here and everyone is asleep and i don't think it has really sunk in yet lol about the baby it's like it's happening to someone else.
Have to go back in 4 weeks for another ultrasound and to see the doc, :) i will get to see the heartbeat!!!!!!
nick and i seem to be closer , i could be imagining it but:) things have been excellent and i can't fault it we arn't even fighting, and he has been helping out.
he said to me tonight lol" your stuck with me now you have a bun in the oven " and i said " haha wasn't that the case when you asked me to marry you anyway, i wouldn't have it any other way"it was sweet.
anyway tomorrow..... tomorrow is the dietitian discussing stuff about the baby what i can eat and everything and how to keep my weight down and all that stuff.
Nicks dad is coming down tomorrow and he wants us all at kellys has something to talk to us about, i think nick is right and it's about taking the kids into foster care and them taking them because we have said no.
I just hope that when the kids grow up they know we said no not because we dont love them but because we just couldn't do it.heh rebecca turned around and said to kelly" thats the last place i want my kids going" yet she has dumped cara here for a week?only proves that she thinks about how she feels before her children as has already been long established.
anyway I've rambled enough:)
later

4 w (edit as above)
sat and things are ok:)
waiting patiently for monday and she might give me a hint of whats going on otherwise i will have to make an appointment and wait until Thursday.
ok so i was very obviously scared on friday and a lot of friday night, but
I think if things do go badly i have prepared myself and have mourned in my own little way, these things happen and the important thing to remember is that:) i can have babies and i will take it as these things happen for a reason.
i guess it makes me realise how much i want a family:)and all and all this is brought me and nick closer together.

my whine and whinge for today is

*i am broke

transfering

2008-09-02T20:43:00.001-07:00

bringing all my old posts from my other blog over because i want them to be all together and i like the layout of this one:) so don't be confused(i have no idea who i am talking too because no one reads this lol)

the road we walk.

i remember feeling so lost...
when i was younger i didn't fit in anywhere, i lied to people about things to make my life seem more interesting,
sometimes i would just cry and cry about nothing everything seemed so bleak
if there wasn't drama i would create it
i really didn't know what to do, who to be what to say
i spent a large amount of my years being so pissed off and angry at the world
at everyone and everything, i didn't feel like the world owed me,
i felt like there was something incredibly wrong with me to be and feel the way i was.
i'm surprised i survived it at all honestly.

it is hard to understand family.

My dad has always been a very traditional person,and things always have to be by the book.
He always believed that he could protect his little girl from everything and never hides his disappointment from anything which he perceives to be wrong.He was touched when nick asked him for my hand in marriage ,not expecting it but i knew in my heart he wouldn't accept anything less.He wants me to walk down the isle in a church, He was very shocked when i said i was pregnant and he had a slight hissy fit when i originally moved in with my boyfriend.He tries to support me in things but often finds it hard to let me make my own decisions.
We haven't always gotten along and there are things we both struggled with when i was younger.
There were times i always felt incredibly close to my dad, we would sit and watch the races on austar and put bets on together, i remember going fishing with my dad when i was younger.We would sit and eat chocolate and make toasted sandwiches watch movies and stuff around.
Somewhere in the teenage years we lost a lot of these things, dads protectiveness i found smothering and my mums own issues(being sick and what not) it was hard to find your footing.
There were quite a few times when i ran away, and there were a few times where i was stupid and did the most incredibly stupid things.
My parents always meant well for me, i realize now that my problem was i always tried to change them into who i wanted them to be and never accepted them for who they are.
There were times when i felt like they embarrassed me, and i still do it now and i'm ashamed of myself because i love them to death but i don't like the people they become when they drink.
there are times where i have vowed i will never speak to them again or visit them but i cant do that.They are my parents and i love them i just have to find a way to accept them.
Anyway this whole rant started with because i told dad that nicks father will not be attending our wedding.
Nicks dad and his family has expressed how they feel and they refuse to be in the same room as nicks mother.
My dad does not understand this, and i see where he is coming from but i also see the other side as well.
In my dads eyes you put everything aside for your children and things like weddings you tolerate people you don't like and so forth because it's your child's wedding and it's important.
I totally agree with him.To my dad and my mum it's an outrage.
But nicks dad has already expressed concern that he's afraid nicks out to take him for all he is worth and he finds it hard to trust him and to me they don't even really have a relationship.It's been a year and they still feel like this and it can't be further from the truth.He tells us it's because nick hasn't ha a shrink talk to him? nick has accepted them for who they are and everything they stand for weather he believes in it or not.He has accepted what happened in the past and is moving forward.How can you point blank say that anyway?Kelly just laughed and was like " you can't get further from the truth"
but you know i think if kelly was getting married i think they would go..and if they stick to their guns and still do not go by the time the wedding comes it will make me think less of them and i wont be able to help it,because it just shows how they really feel,and how many more Christmas's and easters and birthdays will it be like this?They will come to some compromise eventually in our lives are we expected to have to shedual everything for two different sets of people because they can't bite the bullet?Why is it some family members can put family first and not themselves?I used to think nicks dad was really cool and i guess i still do, but i also see a very insecure person who expects the worst in us.It hurts me to hear things like that said about nick because i love him so much, but what can i say?we will invite everyone to the wedding the people who do not go will make it obvious where they stand i guess in a way thats a good thing because it will define it for us so we can move on with our lives.
Either way i never realized how much i love my dad until recently, i don't agree with their lifestyle but i love them so much and i really don't know what i would do without them.I have to make an effort to spend more time with my dad and do some of the things we used too.

alone...eh

just feel alone.I know this is probably a pregnant moment where everything is irrational, i think the conversation with nicks dad just made me remember that in reality they aren't my family and really well and truly i should be more careful what i say and do with them because things easily offend them and that things are still on rocky ground as far as everything is concerned.
Nicks dad is a lot like me and i understand that he takes everything to heart and he mulls over everything, this in turn is why i am up at 10:43 writing this crap.
I miss my mums cuddles and the way she tells me everything is ok even the way she tells me what she thinks and it makes me mad even as i write this i find i am crying. what is the matter with me?i'll be alright tomorrow i think it's just a moment.I think i just don't feel secure with anyone here i can't relax and be myself because i am always afraid that something will happen and everything will turn to shit.I hate the fact that i am so negative about people in nicks family because it's not fair and i don't want to be and i am trying my hardest not to be, i want to love them all and get along with them all and be one happy family .
i'm tired of people disliking me and i'm tired of me disliking others, i have to be more tolerent and i really am trying.

ah mum and dad i miss you

i wish someone was up to give me a cuddle.